thats it.

I'm starving myself.
No more doing this the "healthy way".
I dont want another morsel of food to pass through my lips.
Food is disgusting. It has turned me into a repulsive monster.
Food is a waste of time and space. Food is a chore physically and mentally.
I hate food. I want nothing more to do with it.
I will starve myself until I'm thin.
Until I'm happy.
Until I can't anymore.
Until someone forces a piece of food down my throat.
I need support. Someone help me.
Something help me.
Fuck food, I will be pure,
like snow, like gold.

Slow Progress;

I wanna be thin so badly it hurts.
I'm doing everything I can. I feel like I've been pretty strong.
I usually dont eat all day until 5 PM. I used to binge nightly, but nowadays I dont even have one full meal.
I just snack a tiny amount.
But the pounds are stuck there.
Theres a woman at the place I work that is selling these things called
skinny wraps. She said she has tried them (I trust her) and was skeptical at first, but they took 4 inches off of her waist in 45 minutes.
I'm thinking I'm gonna try them some time next week.
I'll post my results. :)

Whatever.

Today has been okay so far.
I didn't get to eat breakfast or lunch thanks to work.
I had half of a sandwich from jimmy johns, some coffee, a tiny bit of soup and a couple cookies.
So i'm guessing I had somewhere between 700 and 1000 calories.
I really need to start keeping track better.
I need to be skinny.
I need to feel my bones again.
I need to get my confidence back.

Long Time, No Talk;

So, I haven't been on this blog in over a year. In truth, I became very involved with a guy and my eating disorder took the back burner. Another truth is that I've gained SO MUCH weight. Alot has happened over this year. Alot that would take too long to explain. Where I'm at right now: -I quit swimming competitively. -I am with an amazing boy, today is our 8th month together. He is lovely and I am undeserving. -I am 153 lbs and look fatter than I have in my entire life. -Everyday I try to start over with a "diet" and by night time it fails miserably. I think starting back on this blog will help me gain some control over my habits and hopefully have some support. I binge and purge still occasionally, but bulimia definitely does not define me like it used to and I'm trying to put it in my past for good. I want to lose 25 lbs at least by July....which is less than a month. Is that even possible? I've been trying to keep everyday under 500 calories but it is not working out. Honestly I just need support again. Sorry for this long break.

FUCK

omg.
I've gained so much weight.
Ive been stuffing my face nonstop and havent purged nearly enough.
thisisbadthisisbadthisisbad.
FUCK.
ok, starting tomorrow
liquid fast.
only liquids.
NO FUCKING CHIPS OR COOKIES.
breakfast- coffee
lunch-coffee
dinner- coffee
I CAN DO THIS.

floating

Things have been insane lately.
For one thing, the guy that I'm "friends with benefits" with has fallen for me.
For another, I'm seeing this other guy. He gave me adderall the other day and it was the first time I had ever tried it.
It literally made me not think of food at all. It was amazing and I felt so energetic and great!
As for purging, I only did once this week and it was very bad. My fingers were covered in blood.
It really freaked me out and I dont want to do it anymore.
I'm currently about 131 lbs. I've been eating alot of cookies lately :p But today I'm starting to restrict a bit more.
I honestly can say that I am ok with the way my body looks right now. It wouldnt hurt to lose some of the pudginess on my face though :p
Thank you for following my blog, sorry I dont update very often but I appreciate everyones support :)

good side of things

I'm not even sure how to describe the past few weeks.
I'll try to condense it.
Long story short,
- I'm going to an eating disorder counselor under parental demand
- I got put in the hospital for severe dehydration.
- I weigh 132, which is the lowest ever for me
- I want to recover from bulimia, Ive gone two days without it so far
- My love life has been flourishing
- I'm on prozac


Sorry It has been a while since I've posted! Things have been so crazy and I didnt know how to put it into words. I still dont, thats why I condensed it.
Basically its a mix of good and bad, but mostly I'm seeing the good side of things.