Soon.

my dad and I had a talk today.
it was about how thin I am.
I'm an athlete, a competitive swimmer, and I had a great season my junior year. I didnt do as well my senior year, and I earned a full ride the beginning of my senior year, so it was before my senior season.
My dad fears I've "lost my mass".
He thinks I'm weak, and that the coach that gave me the full ride is regretting his decision.
He said I need to start eating alot more.
that i need to make a choice because something has taken hold of me.
I've lost my fire.
My desire for competition.,
My heart.
And,
he's right.
I want to choose swimming, I want to be the best again
but this sickness has taken hold of me, put me under the surface. I cant breathe. I thought I'd be able to stop but I feel like I cant now. Its so terrifying.
My mom has an appointment for me at an eating disorder clinic on Wednesday.
At first I was upset, mad even. I told her I didnt need it.
But now I know I do. I at least want to start purging.
I can still be this thin, I think. I just need to put on some more muscle. But purging is bad.
Its messing me up.
I've also lost my relationship with God completely. I realized today at church.
I partied this weekend, pretty hard. And I have a "fuck buddy" that I've had for a few months now, whose starting to have feelings for me.
All I know is some things need to change in my life.
Soon.

success

yesterday,
I had no problems controlling myself.
None at all! Its amazing.
I only had 450 calories yesterday
I woke up to 135.8 lbs.
can you believe that?! I've never weighed this little in my adult life.
I'm so happy.
I feel so strong.
I dont need food. No food can give me this feeling.
On a bad note, my mother called a family therapist because she can see me "wasting away"
I wish I could describe my mother, but its nearly impossible. She is the most selfish woman I know. She always plays the victim.
She tells everyone my dad hits her (he doesnt).
She told my youth pastor how scared SHE was about me.
How its affecting HER.
and she called a fam therapist because SHE cant take this anymore.
I'm so done with her! I cant wait til I'm out of this town.
I used to be sneaky about what I ate, but lately I just dont care what anyone thinks.
I'm doing this. Being thin is more important than what my family thinks right now.

YES

I did it!
I had the strength to say no yesterday.
Everytime I thought about food or eating, I looked down at my red bracelet and thought about sacrifice.
I thought about self control.
I looked up gluttony on google, and it made me see eating quite differently.
Yes. people need food to live
but do you think cavemen had an amount of calories they had to reach everyday? I'm sure they had to go hungry.
We're in a society where our desires are just handed to us.
I also decided that, because it's lent, I'm giving up chocolate, chips, nuts, raisins, and most carbs.
Yesterday when I woke up I was 144 lbs,
Today when I woke up I was 137 lbs! I'm doing this! I'm staying strong!
I am in control of my body.

epiphany

Today, I had an epiphany.
Restricting is so hard for me because, somewhere in my subconcious, I know that I'm choosing to do this and that it is bad for me.
Today, things changed.
I have a new reason to restrict.
A reason that doesnt put the blame and guilt on my shoulders.
I made a sandwich for my mom yesterday, and it had cheddar cheese on it.
Today, my dad took out the cheese to make something.
It wasnt wrapped correctly.
He screamed at me for 20 minutes about it
asked me why I did it. I didnt know.
Told me I better come up with something quick.
Dont look down.
Dont cry.
Your just like your mother.
My dad is very much overweight,
he used to be an athlete but gave it up for a girl. Now he eats and eats and eats.
The cheese thing pissed me off so much,
to the point where I want to show him I dont need him.
I associate food with him now.
It disgusts me.
All i've had today is coffee and half a cucumber.
Everytime I think of food I get really pissed off.
And I blame it on HIM.
My mom then proceeded to call me lazy. gee thanks mom.
I'll show both of them.
I will.

binge

i was doing good
under 500 calories
then I binged on oreos again
but I think I purged everything,
I just wanna cut this binging crap. :(
spring break started today.
This is the week of changes.
I wont binge this entire week, and I wont go over 600 any of these days.
help me out girls

so far so good today.
Only had roughly 300 calories, so that leaves 300 for dinner if I want to stay under 600.
Which I do!
I took these pics of myself today.

I wanna be thinner!

new leaf

These past few days have been miserable.
I binged two days ago on cookies and wheat thins.
and purged.
weighed 142
Then i decided to fast.
Bad idea.
Yesterday, I binged on apple jacks and almond milk
and rice.
and purged.
weighed 141.
I HATEEE purging.
Absolutely despise it. So today, I told myself I HAVE to not binge. I cant do it anymore
So for breakfast I had coffee (20 cals)
for lunch I had coffee (30) and a little broccoli (60)
For dinner, I had a chicken sandwich (150) with broccoli (60)
and nestle hot cocoa (20)
and cookies (120)
so 500 calories today.
And no more.
I'm doing this.
I'm not backing out now.