Soon.

my dad and I had a talk today.
it was about how thin I am.
I'm an athlete, a competitive swimmer, and I had a great season my junior year. I didnt do as well my senior year, and I earned a full ride the beginning of my senior year, so it was before my senior season.
My dad fears I've "lost my mass".
He thinks I'm weak, and that the coach that gave me the full ride is regretting his decision.
He said I need to start eating alot more.
that i need to make a choice because something has taken hold of me.
I've lost my fire.
My desire for competition.,
My heart.
And,
he's right.
I want to choose swimming, I want to be the best again
but this sickness has taken hold of me, put me under the surface. I cant breathe. I thought I'd be able to stop but I feel like I cant now. Its so terrifying.
My mom has an appointment for me at an eating disorder clinic on Wednesday.
At first I was upset, mad even. I told her I didnt need it.
But now I know I do. I at least want to start purging.
I can still be this thin, I think. I just need to put on some more muscle. But purging is bad.
Its messing me up.
I've also lost my relationship with God completely. I realized today at church.
I partied this weekend, pretty hard. And I have a "fuck buddy" that I've had for a few months now, whose starting to have feelings for me.
All I know is some things need to change in my life.
Soon.